Okay okay okay, perhaps I am jumping on this bandwagon slightly late (though I have been well aware of its existence ages before it was making headline news, so there, ha!). But I was talking with a friend, she had just seen the film, and we were joking about it. We thought it would be really funny if in the credits it had said something like:
"Snakes on a Plane, based on the novel by Arthur H. Hipple" or something to that effect, like the film was based on a classic novel of yore. Yes, yore.
Then I said: "I should totally write the first chapter of that!"
And she said: "You totally should!"
So I totally did.
So here, with apologies to fans who have actually seen the film (I am scared of snakes, deal with it), as well as to New Line and Alliance Atlantis and anyone who may own the rights - if I offend or am infringing on any copyrights, please let me know, I'm pretty easy going, I present to you:
Snakes on a Plane
The Novel
Chapter the First
That his life was in danger was of little doubt. T'’would have been foolish not to have thought so. Though his life had never been one of the most blessed, Sean Jones had his suspicions he had never been in quite so a precarious position as he was presently. It was perhaps the two men who stalked him, minded him, guided him, all in his best interest he was told, that exacerbated the situation. He was still alive, he told himself. Nay, he could not convince himself of such a trick. His heart was beating, fast to be sure, but he was not 'alive'’. Merely not dead.
Honolulu was a searing place on the best of days. That morning had come on fiercely and with a determined heat, evaporating the sweat of his brow. To this he was grateful, he did not wish to betray the deep hollow fear that had settled firmly in his lower half. Especially not to the man who had introduced himself as, "“Neville Flynn"”. A man who's sweat poured out ice cold, a man who'’s quiet confidence only seemed to aggravate the people around him, a man who could make a lei look good.
Sean Jones boarded the craft and a wave of relief washed over him. He was not content, but he was safer than he had been since he'’d first witnessed that crime. The villain himself, Eddie Kim, was nowhere to be seen, and should any of his men be aboard, well, Sean felt a strong confidence in his keepers. For the first time in a very long time, Sean Jones closed his eyes.
He was correct in his assumption. Neither Kim, nor any of his men were on this flight, this Pacific Air Flight 121. The usual contingent of stewards and stewardesses, more commonly in this day and age referred to as flight attendants, were of course on the plane however; as were a variety of passengers ranging from a mother with her two sons, a well to do young woman with the name of a popular motor car, a newly married couple and, as was so often the case, a kickboxer. Yes together with Sean and his two protectors, this motley crew eased themselves into their seats in preparation for take off. And none of them guessed, nor remotely suspected, that deep below them, in the bowels of this flying god of the sky, was a crate that Kim had carefully orchestrated be placed on the plane. Why should they have? Who thinks of doing such a thing? Only a man like Kim, a man with a heart of pure dripping evil would have thought of doing such a thing, of releasing, at a careful moment of timed precision such cruel beasts onto a craft soaring thousands of feet above the spinning earth.
Oh, my friends, how I fear for our dear defenseless passengers! How I fear for our witness, darling Sean and his protector, the icy Neville Flynn. Oh, my friends, what on earth will they do, our dear motley crew, in an hour or two, with these Snakes on a Plane?
Thank you, thank you.
PS: I'll get back to the title talk tomorrow, thanks Northern Creative for the help so far!
